Do you ever have a theme or struggle that sometimes follows you in your life and relationships? I was talking with a dear friend about a theme that she felt was following her – she is extremely aware of the places where she needs healing and is diligent to seek the Lord for healing. Her struggle was intense loneliness. She had shared about how she had been wanting people to be available and have a desire to connect with her. She pours and pours and pours out onto others, expecting nothing in return, and often gets, nothing in return. She desires deep meaningful relationships and many people today walk around incapacitated by life and world news that little is left over for others. As she shared with me this longing in her life, it spurred me on to be curious about what could possibly be the thing in my life that follows me. For me, that thing is betrayal. Growing up, my father had been repetitively unfaithful and dishonest with my mom and me. I was very young when it all began, starting probably before I was even born, then culminating when my dad left my mom for his secretary, then leaving her for another woman he had an affair with, then continuing the cycle to current day. I was only four years old at the time. I was trained not to trust my instincts and to ignore red flags because seeing red flags and getting myself to safety meant losing my dad. He chose to love his deception and addictions more than me. As an adult, this childhood “training” led me to ignore red flags in dating, ministry relationships, mentors, and business partners. 2018-2025 have been the years of God revealing to me how these childhood wounds have left an impact on my life. CPTSD and Betrayal trauma to give the “impact” a couple of names/definitions.
Truth be told I am a little jealous of horses. It is impossible for horses to betray one another. Horses are incapable of deception. If they do not want to be with you, they will show you, if they feel your anxiety, they will show you, if they feel you are being dishonest with them, they will show you. This got me thinking about how rejection is not the same as betrayal. You can be rejected but not be deceived. Horses can reject but not betray. But often their rejection is based on their evaluation of the human’s capacity to deceive. Gosh, I just love how wise horses are. All this training towards not trusting myself when I was a child, and my horses are teaching me to undo that training every single day. I have learned I can trust my gut (which is really the Holy Spirit) and not second guess the Holy Spirit.
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